Everybody's got goals. Your life ain't worth a plug nickel if you don't have goals, large or small. For some people, it's travel. They wanna tour Europe and piss in the streets of France. For others, it's get out of school, score the big payload, scoop the girl next door, a BMW and 2.5 rugrats tearing up the house before you're 30.

A lot of my major goals, big and small, focus around music. One of them, as simple and inconsequential as it might sound, is to see THE WORLD'S GREATEST ROCK 'N' ROLL BAND live! Now, I ain't talkin' about the Rollin' Bones or Guns 'n' Liquor, I'm talkin' about the band that could mutilate these posers more viciously then Leatherface slicin 'n' dicin' your entire family. I'M SCREAMIN' MOTORHEAD!! — a blistering blitzkrieg of broken glass, mountain lions, red hot irons and enough power to shatter your puny frame a thousand times over!

Before I go psycho and start drawin' blood, let me explain. Ever since the mid-'70s Motorhead has been misrepresented and misunderstood. Because of their outlaw biker and greasy leather look, they got thrown on the heavy metal bandwagon — WRONG! In the late '70s punk detonation, the boys ended up being wrapped in vomit and beer by the punkers as one of their own — WRONG! Motorhead has always represent pure unadulterated high octane maximum ROCK 'N' ROLL!! They epitomize what it was in its origins loud, boisterous and hated by parents and society. Lead 'Head Lemmy is all the evil of Jerry Lee Lewis, Little Richard, Chuck Berry and Elvis rolled into one high ballin', draino hot-shottin', over-the-top speed freak! They never bothered with all the bullshit metal crap like Lucifer and the pit of Hell; Lemmy writes about the REAL world — politics, religion, getting burned and, most importantly, having the strength to fight back.

Ever since high school, I've been frying the old synapses on Motorhead, but when the Orgasmatron LP came out in 1986, I decided that I had to see this living orgy of destruction in person. I never realized the insurmountable task I was preparing myself for. Looking back, it should have been quite clear visits to Canada, particularly Toronto, by the band were not pleasant. In the '70s, Lemmy was busted for something that Canadian customs thought was speed. In turn Hawkwind busted him and gave him the toss. Then in 1982, the classic 'Head line-up of Lemmy, Philthy Animal Taylor and guitarist Fast Eddie Clarke self-destructs in Toronto when Eddie decides that a Motorhead/Plasmatics collaboration ain't his cup of vodka and splits mid-tour! The cat scratch was on the wall but I was blinded by speed!

Back to '86: the band is scheduled to play in Niagara Falls and I'm in St. Catharines. Me and my buddies are pumped. It's their first album in three years and none of us have ever seen the band before. We descend upon the club to find it vastly empty. Cancelled is the only word we hear form the nonchalant club owner (I still have the handbill advertising the show with cancelled written across it in big red letters. I intend to frame it one day.) Since it's only the first time, the whole thing gets dismissed as bum luck and besides, the reason they didn't play was hilarious: the sound system they wanted to bring in would have literally blown the club to bits!

Speedfreaking forward to '88, the band are once again raping and pillaging the continent, promoting their live album, No Sleep at All. The triple assault hits Toronto: Overkill, Slayer and MOTORHEAD. Once again my sweaty palms grasp a ticket. I'm wailin' solo this time and I race to the Concert Hall. Bursting in, I know something's up, I HEAR MOTORHEAD ALREADY! Even worse, its the sound of Lemmy sayin' "See ya next time, we'll be back, we always are." That's it THEY'RE GONE! I'm totally stunned — Motorhead is opening for Slayer?! Shit, there wouldn't be any fuckin' Slayer if it wasn't for MOTORHEAD! BURNED AGAIN! And to top it off, Slayer sucked! By now an evil pattern is beginning to develop.

1991 saw the release of one of Motorhead's best: 1916, a rock-solid opus. The news is out they're slated for another stab at the Concert Hall, but this time its more then just a concert, it's the culmination of an amazing weekend of decadence and pro wrasslin' (don't ask). Thursday, Lemmy's former band, Hawkwind, are playing. The next day I fly to Florida for the long weekend and upon returning on Monday, Motorhead night. The boys are headlining this time, so there's none of this opening for lesser talents shit! Then are you ready? What is slowly becoming the inevitable happens: two days before the Hawkwind show, Motorhead is cancelled because they're joining the Alice Cooper tour. AAAAAAHHHHH!! AM I EVER GONNA SEE THIS FUCKIN' BAND??!!

When last your frazzled eyes glazed this column, my frazzled brain was trying to deal with yet another failed attempt at seeing the world's greatest rock 'n' roll band, MOTORHEAD. It's '91 and the band has dropped their own headlining gig in order to join the Alice Cooper Monster Tour, which also featured Judas Priest. "OK," I said with a deep breath, "it's not that bad, you can still go Motorheadbanging, they just won' t be the kings of the heap."

The tour entered Canada and, true to form, the Motorhead voodoo jinx hexed into action. While playing in Montreal, two days away from MY SEEING THEM, Lemmy wigs out on stage and cracks several ribs! For the third fuckin' time, I fried in the pit of Hell. At this point, I really started to wonder whether I had done something hideous in a previous life. Was I the one who lopped off John the Baptist's head? Meter reader at Belsen? Pilot of the Enola Gay?

The next year just made things worse. The band released March or Die, the most PATHETIC album of their career, a truly putrid mess featuring the likes of Slash and old fat Ozzy horning in on the proceedings. To make things worse, there's NO FUCKIN' TOUR and everything I read about the band reeked of major mutiny by guitarists Wizzo and Wurzel. They hate the album (which Lemmy thought was their best), they say Lemmy's gone soft from livin' in L.A., blah blah blah. Now it really hits home — MOTORHEAD BLOWN TO BITS!! Slowly I regress into a state of shock that was not to lift 'til late '93.

Reading one of the local entertainment weeklies, my eyes bulge to the size of Samantha Fox's protuberances as I see a review of a NEW MOTORHEAD release called BASTARDS! Not only that, but the reviewer gives it a five-star rating! I'm twice around the planet and running like a chicken with its head cut off before I can calm down enough and run out and get my own copy. From the opening sound of a needle reefed across vinyl to the final chords of "Devils", IT FUCKIN' SMOKES!! A RETURN TO GLORY!! But, the ever-looming question rears its ugly head — WILL THEY TOUR?!!

Finally, like a late Christmas present, the word comes down in early '94. Lemmy and Co. are touring with Black Sabbath and Morbid Angel. One of the first dates announced is in Montreal! Quiver-quake-shake-titillate — BINGO! TORONTO IS ANNOUNCED! But once again I'm suckered as God decides to play Pele and use my head as a soccer ball — Motorhead won't play the Canadian gigs of the tour. No reason is given, but it doesn't matter anyway. This is the end — I'm getting my Dad's vintage WW1 rifle — NO MOTORHEAD, NO POINT IN LIVING!! Just as I'm about to suck gun barrel, a startling, mind-altering, almost-makes-you-believe-in-God miracle happens: MOTORHEAD ARE BACK ON THE TOUR!! My sweaty palms dial the club to confirm — YES, IT'S TRUE! I'M GONNA SEE MOTORHEAD!!

The two weeks leading up to the sonic attack are inconsequential. All of a sudden in a wash of colour, light, and LOUDNESS, I'M THERE!! There's your man Lemmy himself in all his glory, standing tall and takin' NO SHIT! His trusty Rickenbacher slung like a six-shooter at his side, the bullet belt around his waist, the white patent-leather boots and a mug ugly enough to stop time. But, in fact, he wastes no time and get right to the point "In case you don't know, we are MOTORHEAD," he bellows, "and we are ROCK 'N' ROLL!!" The opening chords of "On Your Feet Or On Your Knees" smash into me like sledgehammers and I'm lost in the heat of the action. Sure, I remember that they did recent tunes like "I'm So Bad Baby, I Don't Care" and classics like "Stay Clean," and, of course, ''ACE OF SPADES", but at the same time I was swept up, trampled and transported beyond this world. Even though they were only allowed to play for an hour, it seemed like an eternity of barbed-wire bliss to me! For a guy who's approaching 50, Lemmy can still blast it out with his young crew of Wizzo and Wurzel on guitar and drummer Mikkey Dee. THIS BAND IS TIGHT!

Then, suddenly, just like a good steak dinner, or a really good romp in the hay, it's over and I'm a soaked, drained, flailed rivetboy! Now that I've finally seen MOTORHEAD, I could end it right here and die happy. However, the whole experience just made me stronger than ever and in Lemmy's own words, one of my greatest beliefs is reinforced "DON'T LET THEM GRIND YOU DOWN!" The world is yours and don't you ever forget it! See ya next month!